| The Begining
Rachel was the ex-girlfriend of this guy I was in high school
with, but I had never met her until January of my first year in university. I met
her when she was talking to a common friend of ours, Tonto. I remember seeing her
and thinking to myself, "my gawd, I'd like to bang her". I never really
said a word to her that day.
Tonto, Rachel and I started to meet each other for lunch every
once in a while at the bar on campus. The more I saw her and talked to her, the more
attracted I was to her. I never said anything to her because I knew I didn't stand a
chance with a chick who was that good looking and that cool to hang out with. One
day I was soooo surprised to get an email from Rachel (she had gotten my email address out
of a mass mailing from Tonto). Eventually we started emailing each other on a
regular basis and added eachother to our ICQ lists.
The Mistake of a Lifetime
One day after lunch at the campus bar, I invited Rachel to accompany
Tonto and I to our faculties main building. Big Mistake. See, there's this guy
Idiot Boy who I have never gotten along with, mainly because he's such a fucking idiot and
made me want to beat the hell out of him whenever I saw him. Anyways, Rachel met
Idiot Boy when she came to the building with us and asked Tonto to set them up. FUCK
ME! So Rachel and Idiot Boy started seeing eachother and eventually started going
out. I was so pissed off, but had to live with it. It was nice to see Rachel
so happy.
The Progress of Time
As time went on, I started hanging out with Rachel on a regular
basis (about twice a month if I was lucky). I was happy with this. Just being
able to be friends with her was good enough for me. Eventually Rachel and Idiot Boy
started having problems. Rachel would be crying every so often about things that
Idiot Boy had done to her. I spent a lot of time trying to convince Rachel that she
could do much much better. I kept telling her that I knew atleast 4 people
who had crushes on her but I would never tell her who.
The Breakup With Idiot Boy and the Hitting on Corky
After many many break-ups, Rachel and Idiot Boy eventually broke it off
for good (this changes as you read on). On June 11th 1999 (it had been almost 3
months since I had seen Rachel), I received some email from Rachel. She told me that
if I wanted to go to the bar or something on the 12th, she'd like to come. YeeeHAW!
I got to hang out with Rachel again. She emailed me a few times on the 12th and
eventually our plans changed to seeing Ausing Powers 2 with her friend. Now one
thing I forgot to mention is that Rachel and I flirted with eachother ALOT ever since we
met. This night was no different. All night long Rachel was hitting on me but
I took it as our normal friendly flirting. After the movie the 3 of us went to a
local restaurant and I started putting ice cubes down Rachels shirt (teehee). As the
night progressed, There was more space (we were in a booth) between Rachel and the wall
beside her, and less space between the two of us. I thought nothing of it. As
we left Rachel said to her friend (that had driven her all night) " I'll just get a
ride home with Corky" without asking me. I didn't mind. On the car ride
to Rachels house, she kept telling me weird things. She knew I had a crush on her by
this time. She would say things like :
" It really doesn't bother me that you have a crush
on me, I'm very comfortable with it"
" I'm very comfortable with you"
" You aren't turned on by 2 chicks going at it are
you?"
" I'm totally swearing off guys who went to (my high
school), except you of course"
I thought nothing of these statements. When we got to her front door, she finally
came out and said "Corky, I just want to let you know that I realized that I've
always really wanted to be with you, I was just trying to change Idiot Boy into you. I
want to be with you". I gawd damn froze and nearly shit my fucking pants. It was a
fucking dream come true, I had no idea what to say except "oh gawd, uh.. wow....
wow... uh.. wow". I made an ass of myself :) ... We got out of the car to give
eachother a hug but there was one problem. I had the erection of a fucking life time
and I wear boxers.. As she approached me for a hug, I stuck my ass out backwards so
I wouldn't poke her and I gave her a half assed one armed hug as I leaned on my car so
that I could hide my boner. The hug lasted about 5 minutes and the erection about 5
hours. The night ended as she went into her house and I attempted to drive home
shaking like there was no tomorrow.
Sunday June 13th 1999
The next day Rachel and I met for coffee and a local coffee shop to
talk, but it was too full so we went to a restaurant. After eating we were going to
go for a walk in a park but it was too dark and foggy, so we went to this place at the
university to watch a movie. We sat beside eachother on the couch, and she
took my arm and put it around her. I was fucking nervous as hell. Neither one
of us wanted to go home but she had to go to work in the morning. So we left after
saying goodbye.
Monday June 14th 1999
This evening, we
went to a bakery with 2 friends of mine. We were only there for a little while, but
I was too chicken to put my arm around her. When we got back to my place I asked her
if she wanted to come in. My thoughts were ALL innocent. We went to my room
and layed on my bed (innocent I swear). I turned the tv on and we started watching
TV. I gave her the remote and let her flip throught the channels. She put it
on the music station and layed on the bed facing me. I asked her if she was
watching, she said no and put the remote behind her. hmmm... I asked her if
she was cold, she said yes and I went to reach for the blanket under her head. She
wouldn't budge. I asked her if she was going to let me get the blanket and she said
no. uh oh. I put my arm around her and said "Then I'll just have to do
this". Then the unexpected happened. She grabbed my face and said "
well then, I'll just have to do this" and she kissed me. I almost passed out.
It was a great kiss... amazing.... I loved it and didn't want it to stop. We
kissed for quite a while but then she had to go home
The Next Weekend
The next weekend we went to Fargo together (we felt comfortable doing
this because we had been friends for 1.5 years by this time) . I won't go into
details out of respect for her, but I will say this: It was the first time we saw
eachother naked, and well, I got to do more stuff to her than she did with me and I loved
it... tastes great!) She also bought a keychain this weekend that said "
I (heart) Corky".
Eventually we started having sex regularly and did some
"other stuff" :) But don't get me wrong, I could have lived a long
time without doing that stuff with her as long as I got to spend time with her. Eventually
I fel in love with her but didn't want to tell her cuz I didn't want to scare her.
If I didn't know any better, I could have sworn I fell inlove with her before we
even started going out. ( She asked me out on the 15th).
As time went on, I got worried that she still wanted to be
with her ex, Idiot Boy, but Tonto convinced me not to break up with her and that things
would work out. I believed him. I wanted to break up with her because I was
afraid things would get bitter if she really did want Idiot Boy back and I didn't
want to lose our friendship. Damn Tonto.
As more time went on, I felt like Rachel was pushing me away.
In public she wouldn't let me hold or kiss her. She said that it was indecent
to show affection in public. I tried to life with it even though it bothered me
alot. I just wanted to give her a kiss, a 1/2 second kiss. It's not like I
wanted to ram my tongue down her throat and have it come out her ass for fucks sake.
But I wasn't allowed. It was like she was embarassed to let people know we
were together. One night at the bar I gave her back her keychain infront of all my
friends, with the "I love Corky" clearly visible just to see what she would do.
She quickly palmed the keychain so that nobody could see it. Hmmm. I
asked her about it and she started to cry saying she did it so I wouldn't be embarassed.
I didn't believe it, but seeing her cry made me cry too. Nobody had ever seen
me cry before. I'm not the crying type, I'm a heartless bastard (so I tried to show
people). It was the worst feeling I've had to this point. I made the girl that
I love cry.
Oh NO!
We went out for 1 1/2 months and I felt great.
It was the happiest I have ever been (I had a really horrible childhood). I
was soo happy, I never wanted it to end. There have been girls who I've had crushes
on (3 to be exact). Girls I've thought " god I wanna fuck her" about.
But Rachel... Rachel I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. My
friends always tell me that I have weird taste and that I'm too picky about girls.
So sue me. Rachel was the one for me, I loved her sooo much. On July
29th, exactly 6 weeks from the day she asked me out, Rachel told me that she didn't want a
relationship. She told me that she wasn't sure if she didn't want a relationship or
just didn't want one with me. I was FUCKING heart broken. I couldn't
understand. She kept telling me that she was soooo happy with me. I did
everything for her. I tried soo hard to please her. I was inlove with her.
I went to her house later ( she told me this around midnight) to talk to her... to
save us. She told me it wouldn't work out. She told me she loves me but didn't
want to be with me. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? I was fucked.
I went home, called in sick to work and drank.. drank... drank. The next day
we were supposed to go to the beach together and still did. I was miserable until we
got into the water. We had fun in the water but I was miserable again when we got
out. The next day I went to this Rock Concert (multi-day multi-band) but couldn't
enjoy it. What a waste of 50 dollars gas money and 130 dollar tickets. I
called her when I got back into the city that night to tell her it was my fault and that I
would change. She wouldn't hear me out. She told me "Corky, I'm sorry but I was just using you. I want Idiot Boy
back" What the FUCK!?!?!??@? What kind of bullshit was this? A few
days later she sent me a message that went something like this "Corky, just wondering
how things are going between you and your hand" . Fucking bitch.
Oh We can still be friends... BULLSHIT!
She promissed me we could still be friends.
I believed her. She wouldn't hang out with me, wouldn't talk to me. We
only talked over email... FUCK. I found out a couple days later that she was back to
fucking Idiot Boy. Gee I felt special. I tried to do things with her but
she wouldn't hear of it. Over the next few weeks we argued alot over email and ICQ.
I was sick of it. I wanted to be friends. I told her to phone me if she
did too. She phoned me... that was a good sign. So what did she have to say to
me? This is not an exact quote, but it's pretty fucking close
" Corky, Idiot Boy doesn't want us to be friends. I want to be friends with
you but it makes Idiot Boy uncomfortable. We aren't allowed to be friends until
Idiot Boy is ok with it or Idiot Boy and I stop seeing each other"
Oh fucking great... I'm the second choice... not second choice
for a boyfriend, but second choice for a friend. She made me feel soo special.
Just to clarify things, I asked her
"
so.. what you're saying here is we aren't allowed to communicate with eachother in any
shape way or form unless Idiot Boy approves?"
She replied
" C"
"C???? what the fuck does that
mean?"
"S...
I ... si... si senior."
"Fine, BYE"
I hung up. About 3 days later I get a call. She wants to be friends.
WHAT THE FUCK. Seems like things aren't working out too well between her and
Idiot Boy. Gee there had to be a reason. Stupid me, I said ok, lets be
friends. I sat with her in class. It was hard because I still love her and
wanted to hold her hand and put my arm around her. It was soooo hard but I
controlled myself. I realized how much I still loved her. She said we
could only be friends in class but not out of class for a while. Why the fuck
not?... oh maybe Idiot Boy might see us. Fucking bitch. I did it anyways.
A few days later there was a social at the university. I ran into Idiot Boy
there. Idiot boy's friend asked me to say something to Idiot Boy cuz Idiot Boy
thought I hated him. Well I did hate him but I'd do this as a favour to his friend.
I told Idiot Boy that I don't hate him, and that if the only reason he doesn't take
Rachel back is because he thought I might try and steal her back, then he has nothing to
worry about. That I didn't want Rachel back. That I thought she was a bitch.
He told me he didn't want her back either. OK, things are fine then. So I
thought again. I told him that I didn't want Rachel back, but the truth is, I did, I
love her too much. I want her back. I got home the next morning and had email
waiting for me from Rachel. Goodie. Idiot Boy had phoned her from the social
and told her that I had said a ton of shit that I didn't. I phoned her and told her
I didn't say that shit and to ask him again. If she wants to believe him then fine
go ahead but never talk to me again. I also told her that Idiot Boy told me he
didn't want her either. She talked to him and he fucking lied to her. He told
her I had said tons of shit about her and that he still wanted her . What the
FUCK!... now I'm the psychotic ex-boyfriend, evil bad guy. She believed every word
he said. Fine then FUCK HER. I don't need this shit. I treated her like
a god damn queen and she treated me like shit. I don't need her. She can fuck
off and go to hell. I love her but... FUCK HER... I've got lots of anger built up
now. Where will it lead?. Earlier in the year I traded an old computer for a
little hand gun with 21 rounds. I thought about it. I really thought about
shooting myself. I've been so anti-suicide my whole life. I always said that I
have no respect for people who kill themselves, but now I was thinking about shooting
myself. For what? For a chick? For love and happiness?. GEEZUS FUCKING
CHRIST!. I loaded the gun and held it to my head. I couldn't fucking do this.
She's not worth it. No one is. Just to make sure I didn't do anything
stupid when I was drunk, I took the gun and ammo and through it into a river. She's not
worth it I keep telling myself. But she is. I love her and would do anything
for her. I want to be friends with her atleast but that won't happen. I know I
won't be happy again, atleast not until I find someone else who made me feel the way she
did or I get her to take me back. Don't expect either to happen tho. She's one
of a kind and will never come back to me. Life sucks so bad. Does it all end
here????? Keep checking back and you'll find out.
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